Jerry Sittser and his family were headed back home from an event when a drunk driver drove head-on into their minivan. Although he and three of his kids survived, tragically, his wife, mother, and one of his daughters all died at the scene of the accident.

While most people don’t, thankfully, have to go through what he went through, every single one of us experience loss. Sittser writes, “Sooner or later all people suffer loss, in little doses or big ones, suddenly or over time, privately or in public settings. Loss is as much a part of normal life as birth, for as surely as we are born into this world we suffer loss before we leave it” (17). He continues, “”All people suffer loss. Being alive means suffering loss. Sometimes the loss is natural, predictable, and even reversible. . . . But there is a different kind of loss that inevitably occurs in all of our lives, though less frequently and certainly less predictably. This kind of loss has more devastating results, and it is irreversible. Such loss includes terminal illness, disability, divorce, rape, emotional abuse, physical and sexual abuse, chronic unemployment, crushing disappointment, mental illness, and ultimately death. If normal, natural, reversible loss is like a broken limb, then catastrophic loss is like an amputation. The results are permanent, the impact incalculable, the consequences cumulative. Each new day forces one to face some new and devastating dimension of the loss. It creates a whole new context for one’s life” (31-32).

We all experience loss, but, unfortunately, we don’t all understand how to GROW through loss. Instead of growing through our losses, many, sadly, lose their way, their heart, and their hope. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Sittser writes, “It is not, therefore, the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for that is as inevitable as death, which is the last loss awaiting us all. It is how we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives” (17). He continues, “There is little we can do to protect ourselves from these losses. . . . There is much we can do, however, to determine how to respond to them. We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given. Choice is therefore key. We can run from the darkness, or we can enter into the darkness and face the pain of loss. We can indulge ourselves in self-pity, or we can empathize with others and embrace their pain as our own. We can run away from sorrow and drown it in addictions, or we can learn to live with sorrow. . . .” (46).

Sittser’s book is a healing balm to anyone hurting. I first picked it up when I lost one of my best friends who gave his life saving some people from a burning car and oncoming traffic. Since then, I’ve returned to a few parts of this book more than once, as I’ve experienced more loss over the years.

But I know many people might not have or make the time to read this book. So I thought I’d offer a few lessons I’ve taken away from the book that I apply when I experience loss.

1. Watch Out for Attempts to Deal With the Pain of Loss in a Way That Causes More Pain

As many besides Sittser have noted, when we experience loss, we are prone to do one of the following things:

Denial – On denial, Sittser writes, “Denial puts off what should be faced. People in denial refuse to see loss for what it is, something terrible that cannot be reversed. They dodge pain rather than confront it. But their unwillingness to face pain comes at a price. Ultimately, it diminishes the capacity of their souls to grow bigger in response to pain” (56). Denial happens when we give the “it’s not that big of a deal” statement, when it actually is. We can deny dealing with the pain by working harder than before. Denial says “it’s fine” when it really isn’t.

Bargaining – When we experience pain, sometimes we try to fight it by bargaining. On his experience, he wrote, “I thought about replacement relationships that could help me make the transition quickly and conveniently, but then I faced disappointment when two relationships fizzled during the first year as quickly as they had begun. I considered finding a new life for myself by moving and starting a different job so that I could escape the hellish life I was forced to live after the accident” (57). Some might try to bargain with God by doing the classic, “Lord if you give me this relationship, then…” or “If you do _____, then I’ll…” Sittser was prone to bargain, maybe you will too in a tough time.

Indulging – Sittser writes, “I tried to drown the pain by indulging my appetites. . . . There was one period, about two months long, in which I . . . watched television almost every night from 10:00 pm to 2:00 am. . . . I was tempted to indulge other appetites as well” (57). He continues, “Many people form addictions after they experience loss. Loss disrupts and destroys the orderliness and familiarity of their world. They feel such desperation and disorientation in the face of this obliteration of order that they go berserk on binges. They saturate their senses with anything that will satisfy them in the moment because they cannot bear to think about the long-term consequences of loss. So they watch television every moment they can, work sixty hours a week, drink too much alcohol, go on a sexual rampage, eat constantly, or spend their money carelessly. In so doing, they hold suffering at a distance” (58). I tend to go to sweets like ice cream in tough times. Nothing wrong with ice cream or many of these things, but none of them can help bring the healing you’re looking for.

Venting – Sittser also points out that when we experience loss, we might deal with it by getting angry and venting. On his experience, he writes, “I resisted the pain, finally, by venting anger. I thought that revenge would somehow help me mitigate my suffering. I wanted someone to pay the price for the loss” (58). When someone does something wrong to you or someone you love, you will probably feel this acutely at times. Beware of it. He writes, “Anger, like denial, or bargaining or binges, is simply another way of deflecting the pain, holding it off, fighting back at it. We refuse to let the pain in and experience it for the hell it is” (59).

These four responses to loss are important to be aware of and avoid. He writes, “These responses can deceive us, appearing to provide a way of escape from the problem rather than the points of entry into the problem. We must therefore pay attention to them but not fool ourselves into thinking that they are merely stages on our way out of the predicament” (59).

If we don’t respond in these ways, how should we respond? Very simply, I’ve found, after reading his book and Scripture, that we should:

2. Acknowledge the Pain – Whether it is just an acknowledgment to yourself, to God, or to others, acknowledge the pain. When one of my kids didn’t get in the game and I said I was “sorry because I know it stinks,” on the way home, he said, “It’s no big deal.” I corrected him, gently saying, “let’s not pretend like it doesn’t stink. I know you wanted to get in, that you wondered why you weren’t getting any time, etc.” Anybody that has played, knows what it is like not to get in, and really think you should. I tried to help him acknowledge the pain he felt. Anybody that wants to grow through their grieving and loss has to do the same.

3. Trust God’s Ability to Integrate Your Difficulty into Your Story for Your Good – Usually when you experience loss, you won’t know most of the reasons why God allowed it to happen. Often times, it won’t make sense from your perspective. The only way to grow through the pain and loss is to trust God enough to believe he can integrate the pain into your story for your good, making you “more” not “less.” If you don’t trust God’s good, but mysterious purposes, then you won’t be able to move forward more like Jesus than you were before the disaster.

4. Focus On What God Wants You To Do and Ask Him To Help You Do It – If you truly trust God with your pain, it frees you up to focus on what he wants you to do. Usually you won’t “feel like it.” That’s why you ask him to help you do what he’s called you to do. The Apostle Paul was “sorrowful, yet rejoicing.” He ministered with a broken heart. Your loss, by God’s good design and with his help, will actually make you better at doing what he’s called you to do, when you respond by faith. Trust him and follow him in the midst of your loss. For my son, that meant he needed to be a great teammate from the bench. Cheer his teammates on. Encourage them. Even as he prayed that God would give him a chance to play.

5. Remember This Process and Expect to Have to Work Through it Unexpectedly and Consistently – Sittser argues that we never “move on” from loss, in the sense that we can return to how things were before. But we can be “enlarged by loss, even as we continue to experience it” (18). In order for this to happen, we need to understand that we will need to return to these steps consistently. We’ll hear a song that reminds us of a lost loved one, smell something that takes us to a painful place, or something else that reminds us of some old pain that is still able to have a fresh impact. That’s why it is important to remember these steps. They can help you, with God’s help, walk out of the darkness that so easily overcomes us in this broken world.